Netflix and scream at our children?!
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Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.