[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.