MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
How dramatic are you?
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*