i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
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Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
nobody’s gonna understand
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Still my favorite television listing of all time: