watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My favorite farside!!
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Me, in DM rooms…
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with