Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Lol.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany