When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
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got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.