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A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
This could be us but you eatin’
We need more people like this.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.