I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
You Might Also Like
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.