If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Breaking news:
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.