You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
All is fair in drunk and war.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*