We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
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My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
This was a bad idea all around
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.