Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
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[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.