ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
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Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
yall want some gasoline milk
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.