*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
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“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.