I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
You Might Also Like
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
bought wrong eggs
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.