Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
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Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I saw nothing
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice