Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
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[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Stop making fast and furious movies.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.