One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Best mom ever 😂