When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
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when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
That’s fair
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it