her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
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Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
watergate? u mean a dam??
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.