Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
fired
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
How do German people not choke to death when they talk