I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
You Might Also Like
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You have been warned.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]