[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.