[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
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[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
your honor my client chooses dare
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.