“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
OMG 🤣🤣
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?