Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
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I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
me after drinking all the wine:
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no