Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
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I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???