how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
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The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Netflix: We have Less
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I need better friends
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*