Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world