My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
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@ candidates for local office
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Just why bro?!
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.