{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
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My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Breaking news:
*pokes sex life with a stick
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?