I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
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[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT