Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
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You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.