My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
i was baptized in a car wash
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Two types of dogs.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse