Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
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Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
i really liked this one
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?