ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
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cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really