adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
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Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing