i did the math
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[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call