No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
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“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*