The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
All is fair in drunk and war.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined