Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Just had my nails done!
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
wtf management?!