Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Wait a minute…
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.