its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
You Might Also Like
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Ok but actually
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Fight
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”