I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I triple waxed for this?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>