“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
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Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
No one :
Me when I swimming :
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Social Media and Real life
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?