[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
And then there were 4
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Just me?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
constantly working on myself.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.