“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
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You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Catering service
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go