Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
You Might Also Like
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.