when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
oh you wanna fight?!
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.